9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
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I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE