It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
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Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
So creative 😂
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman