I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
So inspired right now.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe