Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
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If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks