HERE’S MARKY
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*eats only grass-fed donuts
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*