When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair