Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
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So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.