Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
In case you needed to hear it:
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is