Draw me like one of your French Fries.
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Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
😅🤣😂
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩