Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
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I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Hit me in the face with a bird
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
me adding lol on a serious message
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.