[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”