This fish is cracking me up
You Might Also Like
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No