Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you