The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
You Might Also Like
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Lucky old June.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt