*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
You Might Also Like
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies