[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!