Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old