[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
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And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I put the h in mysterious.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman