WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.