Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.