me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.