Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.