my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
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“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used