tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Important
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.