Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
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4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”