[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
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Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day