people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
You Might Also Like
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar