Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.