Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Merica.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels