I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
You Might Also Like
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.