The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
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Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*