Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Somebody call the cops.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Blew my mind.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.