I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
You Might Also Like
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times