Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
How to find Kentucky on a map
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Traveler’s camo
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.