[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings