My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
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Bit chilly again tonight.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Donkey Kong sommelier
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I thought this was funny lol
Hotels are back
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words