The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.