Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
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There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?