Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
You Might Also Like
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Don’t make me out nice you.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
#NoRestForTheWicked
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?