Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!