Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.