The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Cat is stressing him out.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.