I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
This was the best day of my life
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I support this random dude and all his protests
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”