Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.