Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”