So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
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HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..