“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Is it âMy wife and Iâ or âMe and my wifeâ? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You havenât changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasnât a compliment, Diane
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up youâre homeschooled now.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Ooops wrong houseđđ
When I say âwow, thatâs crazyâ, 99 percent of the time, it means I havenât been listening to a word of your conversation.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlordâs morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: Iâm 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like Iâm not the only dinosaur here
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I have never âlit up a roomâ unless you count arson.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir