Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
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mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME