met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.