Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion